Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
