Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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