Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
