Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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