I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
