His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
