Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
