how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
