M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
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we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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