I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
