fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
