Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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