well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
