my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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