And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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