I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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