I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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