he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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