I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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