We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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