I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
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Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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