i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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