The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
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You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.