party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
