sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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