Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
