Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
