..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
