I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
