I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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