You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
