Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
