The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole