thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already