so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.