On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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