I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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