1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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