I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
