you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
