Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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