there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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