FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
