do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
