There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
the condom got lost in my hair
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
