Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
