my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
