New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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