i wish there were pregnant emoticons
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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