We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You need a sexual gate keeper
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
