life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
