yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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