Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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