What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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