I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
