I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
