Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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