when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
