My hand turned me down
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
